On June 7th 2010, Chris and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary. And we discovered that I was pregnant.
It was a pretty low key day at first. Mom and Chelsea were in town to visit and Chris had to work. After he got home we went out of town for dinner and dessert. We weren’t going to exchange gifts because we had just bought a new computer and new truck in May, but at the last minute he snuck a present in on me. As we drove to the restaurant Chris pulled out a Walmart bag with a single pregnancy test in it.
He’d been telling me that week that I was acting more annoyed than usual, and I assured him that he was just being more annoying than usual. But he was sure that I was pregnant.
His idea was for me to take the test at the restaurant. The restaurant!!! He said that he thought it would lead to an interesting dinner conversation. I did not think this was the greatest idea, for a variety of reasons, (I mean, seriously! We were at a nice Italian restaurant!), but agreed that I would take it first thing the next morning to appease him.
He tried to have the conversation that we would have had if I had cooperated, taken the test and found a positive result. Such as, “If you’re pregnant than the baby will be due at this time…so maybe we can do this for Christmas…and I’ll have to cancel this trip…” But I wasn’t very cooperative, so while Chris was playing the “If you are, then…” game, I was playing the “But if I’m not…” game.
When we got home, I had to run to the bathroom anyway, so I just went ahead and took the test. I washed my hands, left the room, changed clothes, and then went back in to take a glance, and was stunned to see that it was positive. I was honestly shocked.
I immediately felt all wobbly and stumbled out to the living room where Chris was sitting. We had already decided that if we found out that we were pregnant while Mom and Chelsea were in town, that we wouldn’t tell them right away because we wanted to keep it between us for a few days. I tried to put on my game face but I’m pretty sure that Chris knew the minute he saw me.
I rambled something to him about going for a walk with me over to our neighbor’s house, and as soon as we closed the front door behind us I burst out “I’m pregnant!” and fell into his shoulder where we laughed, and then eventually did venture out for a walk to do a bit of processing.
We had decided a while ago that we would start trying for another baby once Jayce turned 2, which was on May 21, and we found out we were pregnant on June 7. It was just so fast that I was completely shocked.
We told Mom and Chelsea a few days later, as we drove to dinner one night. I just burst out with it, and they didn’t believe me at first, but after we kept saying that we were serious, eventually they did.
That weekend Mom, Chelsea and I drove to Cincinnati for an Ellery concert. As we had breakfast with Justin and Tasha Saturday morning, Justin asked me,
“So, what have you been making lately? Is there anything that you’re working on that you’re really excited about?”
To which I replied, “Yes, a baby! “
It was an excellent set up.
A few weeks later I started having some complications. The following week the doctor confirmed that I had lost the baby.
Some people might argue that it isn’t worth remembering a pregnancy that didn’t result in a baby in our home. But this tiny little life was a piece of me and a product of my marriage. It was a life, worthy of celebration at the start, mourning at the end, and remembrance afterwards. I am grateful to have been able to create and carry that life even if it was for far too short of a time, and I remember this baby when our anniversary rolls around, when the due date arrives, and periodically throughout the year.
When I’m feeling sad about the loss of this little one, I find comfort in Mindy Smith’s beautiful Come to Jesus, a song I frequently sang to the baby and myself in the midst of and after the complications.
Oh my baby when you’re dying, believe the healing of his hands. Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival. Here in Heaven you will finally understand. Worry not my daughters, worry not my sons. Child, when life don’t seem worth living, come to Jesus, and let him hold you in his arms.
Little baby, joyfully discovered June 7, 2010. Sadly departed, June 23, 2010.