I just found this post from March of last year sitting in my drafts, unpublished. I’m not sure why I didn’t publish it at the time, although I would imagine that it’s because I didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer. But I kind of like “crappy guilt days,” or “random sad days” or “things aren’t falling into place days.” They seem to balance the days where I’m soaring high and everything is perfect, and make the run of the mill normal days feel beautiful.
March 2, 2012
Sometimes I feel guilty
When I’m putting away laundry and I realize that there are more clean pjs than clean outfits. Which means that week, more days than not, we didn’t get dressed into “real” clothes.
But that’s okay, because on those days we must have really needed to stay in pjs.
When I’m putting away Jayce’s clothes and I notice that he has a lot more clothes than Hannah does.
But that’s okay, because almost 4 year olds put a lot of wear on their clothes. This is not favoritism, it’s practicality.
Then I put away Hannah’s clothes and notice that she has lots more mom-made items than Jayce does.
But it’s okay, because for a while he had a whole wardrobe of tie t-shirts. And right now I’m just in a onesie re-do mode.
When I fix Jayce a hot dog for lunch, and I remember that he has had a hot dog for lunch every day that week.
But it’s okay, because he eats the hot dog. And the carrots, and the yogurt, and whatever else I give him. He’s going through a phase where he does eat, as opposed to the phases where he is never hungry, and if he wants a hot dog, that is fine with me.
When Chris comes home and the house is completely wrecked. Usually around 4:30 I scope out the damage and tidy the worst of it, but some days I don’t.
But it’s okay, because when I sigh “I’m sorry the house is such a wreck…” he says, “that’s alright honey, we’ll get it later.” And he means it. And later, we do. Or we don’t, and that’s okay too.
That Hannah isn’t eating “right.” Baby food, formula, bottle, nursing, table food, milk. Your child’s eating/not eating seems so personal and when it is insinuated (or verbalized) that we’re doing it wrong, it makes me feel like such a failure.
But it’s okay, because every child is different (blah blah) and we are figuring out what works for us and our baby. And we have a healthy happy little girl.
Today is one of those “wrestling with guilt” days, that starting creeping in when I was putting away laundry (can you tell) and stuck around longer than I’d have liked it to. But I guess that is okay too.